Overwhelmed | koalaguy's Blog

I'm not sure why, but I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by a whole range of competing things at the moment.

I almost missed an appointment today.  I had it on a note attached to my computer screen, but I haven't had the computer on much in the last few days.  Too hot.  I'll be better prepared next time.

I slept in today (catching up on sleep.  I don't sleep well during our extremely hot weather), thinking I had nothing planned and suddenly realised that I actually may have something on.  I checked my list of appointments on my computer and sure enough, there it was.  I raced into the shower, threw on some clothes and ran for the next available bus; 3 buses later, I arrived at the appointment with minutes to spare.  The doc was late as usual, but that was OK.  It allowed me to catch my breath.

I've been thinking about suicide again from time to time, but like learning to program in various languages - which I keep promising myself to do - it doesn't get any traction; medication prevents me from holding onto the thought long enough to follow through.

My sister is getting prepared for a wedding for one of her boys this coming weekend.  I think everyone except me got an invitation for it.  I get the feeling he has a grudge against me for correcting him when he was younger.  He was using the anonymity of the web to abuse someone with whom I was friendly.  I threatened to expose him, so I don't think he's ever forgiven me for that.  Oh well.

My niece (his sister) tries to hide her disappointment when she sees me here, whenever she visits her mother, but it's fairly obvious she'd prefer to see my sister's ex here instead of me.

The family had a get-together here last Sunday, so I took off for the day to let them have the run of the place.  They'd be more relaxed and I wouldn't feel uncomfortable around them.

The job network rep who has been reverse marketing employees to companies accused me of not being committed to the work he had put me forward for.  I argued that the first company told me in no uncertain terms that they couldn't keep me on because I wasn't performing fast enough for them.  He accepted that.

What I didn't tell him was that, at the second company, the person supervising me was antagonistic while I was trying to learn the job (I assume she was trying to gauge how I might react to a difficult customer), and she kept talking on her phone about a 'decision' which had to be made, whilst looking at me, indicating that I was what she was talking about.  She took me away from the job 30 minutes before the end of the shift to go to the office for a talk.  I'll admit that I didn't put up a fight to keep the job, but I had given it everything I had and felt slighted by the accusation (by the job network rep) that I had backed away from it too easily.

I've been out of regular employment for a long while and am deconditioned.  I do a fair bit of walking, but that's not enough to prepare me for the kind of physical labour involved in those two jobs.

I exercise sporadically, depending on whether I have any excess energy or not.  I'm lousy at keeping a diary too.  I've tried on a few occasions, but enthusiasm just fizzles out.  There are some things for which I am able to maintain some discipline, but just not those.